Confessing Pride and Lack of Charity; Praying for Grace

This week I've found myself frustrated in several situations of the type that I don't want to be frustrated in when I think about it. I don't always know how I would like myself to react, but I can always tell when I'm not reacting the right way. And what do I do? Well at least I don't mouth off and give voice in a harmful way to my frustration. At least not much. I've found myself sitting and stewing a lot and just sort of thinking. I go through a number of emotions: anger at the person or situation that is frustrating me, anger at myself for being angry rather than handling it in a mature way, confusion over what to do.

The root of all this seems to be two things. The first is that I do not naturally love people except in a very narrow set of circumstances. Within this range I am friendly and kind and generally charitable and maybe even more charitable than some. But whatever "love" I have for people doesn't go very far once someone does or says something that I don't like. I have been able to adjust my mental likes and dislikes to the point where that doesn't happen very often, but I have not done much in the way of working towards really loving someone who has hurt me or offended me, especially if they have hurt my pride. Once they have done that, it will be awhile before I can give a heartfelt hug or be "charitable" as a thought I was being before. How can I get to the point where I truly love rather than simply rewarding behavior in others that pleases me? How can I learn to react charitably even when someone hurts me badly?

The second thing is that I do not possess humility. In fact, I have pride that runs so deep that sometimes I don't even know what it would look like for me to be humble. It truly is a necklace that I can walk around all day unaware of while anyone from the outside can see it plain as day. It is so confusing to me that I feel so justified and right at times. I can recognize humility in others but I cannot fathom how I can bridge that gap in myself. I realize that I have not stopped needing approval. I have simply transfered that need to a select few who generally give it. How can I get to the point where I stop using my talents as a means of getting praise and recognition? Why can't I use them humbly and thankfully, the way God intended me to? How can I train myself to need only God's love and acceptance, and accept that His love and acceptance are not based on my performance or my ability to understand everything? And how can I get to the point where I can take compliments or recognition from others merely as a gift without needing them to feel ok about myself?

I confess I do not know the answer to these questions. I am frustrated beyond expression at the depth of my own pride and at the shallowness of my love and charity. I can only turn to God's grace. God's grace must be enough for me.

Father, I ask that you change me. I beg that you change me. I know that I am asking you to do something that may be very painful to me. I know I am asking you to remove from me things that have become so near to my heart that I have confused them for my very self. But I submit, Father. I give up, once again, knowing that I will continue to be in this process of giving up for the rest of my life. Please come in and do Your will, and teach me to love and learn from everyone You have created. Teach me to find Your image in each of them. Teach me to how small and wretched I am and how little I know. I have no clue how to do these things myself and need, with all my being, for you to do them for me. I ask only in the Name of Jesus, who died that this would be possible.